I tend to over-think things. Not always to try to be clever, mind you, it’s just something I can’t help doing. Some part of me needs reassurance in knowing the reasons behind anything that happens.
It seems that I can’t really understand or make sense of anything if I don’t have a context for it, a sense of where it’s coming from.
At school I had trouble getting a grasp of maths and sciences through rote learning. I could only remember how to use a formula if I knew where it came from.
You can guess I wasn’t that good at these things and little remains of it after all these years.
I’m also terrible at finding girlfriends or boyfriends. I feel totally inept and fall into the trap of over-analysing every event and every action, only to end up in disaster.
Nowadays, I’m getting afflicted with this to the point where it affects my focus, especially at work.
The recurrent feeling is that of despair when facing the futility of life.
I tend to get excited about things, titillated by new projects, new ideas only to let myself be taken down by the insignificance of it all.
Hey, I know, I sound depressive but I don’t think I am. I like life and it’s mostly good and comfortable, at least from here.
It’s hard to shake that knowledge, that everything ends to be forgotten and that life -at least ours- is hanging on the fragile balance of environmental conditions in a overwhelmingly hostile universe.
At least our problems look small when seen on that scale. It’s not really that comforting though.
I’m sure these feelings of hopelessness are what attract some people to religion: the reassuring warmth in the belief that we exist beyond ourselves.
That’s not a delusion I subscribe to. Not by a long shot. Nor would I want to.
Instead I hope that this current crisis will help me reconstruct my life around some guiding certainties.
The real problem I face nowadays is that I have no real life project any more. Those I drew up when I was young have been ’somewhat’ accomplished and I’m left with dreams but no real project to construct.
It’s probably the most important thing to have in life: projects that you work toward accomplishing so you can at least pretend that your life is filled with meaning.
So now excuse me while I go in search of meaning…
